buglefandomcom-20200214-history
Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Page
This page is for all the lies Buglers can think up. Keep the misinformation at 2-5 sentences, but if you want to create a new page to expand upon your lie in more detail, go ahead, by all means. Other than that, there are no rules (considering the fact that John is allergic to them in more than small portions). History In episode 41, a viewer wrote in to the Bugle, informing the hosts that he had expanded their Wikipedia page. Included in the e-mail was a call to arms for all Buglers to go to the Wikipedia page and add to it. Andy responded enthusiastically to the e-mail, telling all listeners to go to the page and add one lie; no facts allowed. Obviously this clashed with Wikipedia's strict moderation policy. In response to this, the Bugle Wiki was created, a place where fans could come and lie all they want. A short-lived feature on the Wikipedia page was the Misinformation section, where fans posted many semi-factual lies before Wikipedia moderators removed the section. In memoriam of that section, we recreate it on a larger scale here. The Lies Themselves * John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are not the funniest podcasters on the internet. They are the funniest podcasters in the world. * Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver were the only men ever to share the honorific of "Sexiest Man Alive" as bestowed by the RSFTPACORSITHM (Royal Society for the Proliferation And Certification of Relative Sexiness in the Human Male) until they accidentally tore the traditional trophy in twain during an argument over which Atlantic coast should serve as mantlepiece for the Bugle virtual household. * Andy Zaltzman was a founding member of English pop band the Housemartins. Zaltzman and the group parted ways in 1986 just prior to the band's pre-Christmas number one, Caravan of Love. Although Zaltzman refuses to discuss the split, fans maintain that his contribution of mime was under-appreciated by the band and fans, who often mistook his passionate solos for the gaps between album tracks. * If you were to liquify the bugle then heat it up over a bunsen burner for an extended period of time, you will have made crack, i hope your proud of yourself, you disgust me. * Although a widely known fact that John Oliver was born in Birmingham, it is not so well known that he is actually made entirely of chocolate and was brought to life with the helpful magic of a singing and dancing cricket named 'Jiminy'. * For episodes 39-42, Andy has claimed to be in Edinburgh for a comedy festival... yet what kind of festival lasts 3+ weeks? It's obvious that Andy Zaltzman is in fact an assumed name of American swimmer Michael Phelps. Phelps could never decide whether he wanted to be a gold-medalist Olympic swimmer or political satirist comedian, so he decided to take on an identity for each. Congratulations on the medal record, Andy! * The kind of festival that goes on for slightly more than 3 weeks is the Edinburgh festival. However, if you regularly listen to the Bugle, there's really no need to go and see Andy Zaltzman at The Stand (2:40) as a lot of his material has appeared in the podcast. Congratulations on the testicle, Andy! * It is a well known fact John olivers stuble can light matches, and sing "The Banana King" in spanish. * John Oliver has recently confessed to being part of the conspiracy to present the moon as real rather than a large tarpaulin held aloft by helium ballons and propelled by malnourished pigeons * In episode 38 John Oliver promised all listeners of the podcast a unicorn, if they sent in a picture of themselves and he judged them "decent". needless to say this was a lie. why he lied nobody knows. some believe it was some form of anti-semitism directed towards Andy's ankle although this is just an accusation and can not be certified. * John Oliver likes the Queen's butt and he cannot lie. * The Bugle has never been recorded live from the London Zoo due to the fact that Andy Zaltzman has a mortal fear of both artificial jungle environments and meerkats. * John Oliver is a trained matador but only practices the sport in Rhode Island. Alas, Rhode Island is suprisingly bull-free. *Contrary to what we have been led to believe, John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are not British comedians. John Oliver is actually a giant talking cuckoo clock and Andy Zaltzman is the reanimated corpse of former Vice President Spiro T. Agnew in a clown wig. * Since the launch of the podcast Bugling has become the most popular leisure activity in the UK. In school playgrounds all over the country young children have been crazed by Buglemania and spend every free minute squabbling over whose turn it is to be Andy or John. * Usian Bolt was listening to the Bugle whilst winning the 2008 100m Olympic final. * Rumours persist that Andy's lost bin has become the leader of a terroristic impala organisation determined to overthrow Zaltzman from the Bugle and become John Oliver's new co-Bugler. * John Oliver's first foray into showbusiness was his starring role as the baby in Jim Henson's Labyrinth. The experience left him with heavy psychological scarring and Mr Oliver was eventually forced to leave Britain by Andy Zaltzman's penchant for bursting through the window of his flat at night wearing a Tina Turner wig and singing 'Dance. Magic Dance!' while juggling his crystal balls. * Brigadier Andy Zaltzman first came to international attention when he attended the final of the Swansea scrabble tournemant. Commentators described his spectating style as a "laid back, intelligent style of watching" and he was particularly praised for not losing his cool when the umpire allowed the word "jaffacake" to stand despite the collection of letters blatantly violating every rule in the book and the regrettable role of the popular snack in the future death by choking of his long lost brother Gareth Zaltzman. Gareth Zaltzman would eventually meet Andy the day before the tragic events where two madmen distracted him with a plate of jaffa cakes before shoving skittles down his throat until the twitching stopped. * The show was almost ended in February 2006 when Andy and John had a argument over a cock meat sandwich. They attempted to end the show and part different ways but when they presented this to The Times they discovered that the original contracts they signed when they started the show legally binds their friendship and made either of them leaving the show impossible. But to this day it's been said you can heard the resentment in both Andy and John's voices * William Howard Taft, the dead president, is a big fan of the Bugle, and has it played endlessly in his grave, though he resents its implication that he has no balls. * As an infant, Andy went through a difficult phase where he insisted that he was the former Pasha of Tripoli and Turkish privateer Turgut Reis, and subsequently attempted a one man invasion of the Mediterranean island of Malta after learning it had abandoned the British Empire in 1964. * Although a widely known fact that John Oliver was born in Birmingham, it is not so well known that he is actually born in Birmingham, Alabama. * John Oliver is secretly John Dawlish, Ex Auror of the Ministry of Magic who was famous for getting owned by Albus Dumbledore, Augusta Longbottom (Neville Longbottom's grandmother), and pretty much anyone with a wand. Andy on the other hand is probably a muggle who gets regular Memory Charms when the still punch drunk Dawlish forgets that not everyone needs to know about his pet Krup, Twitchy. * John Oliver is not a real person, but in fact a character who has been perpetuated by a string of British comedians. When the reigning John Oliver grows so rich or disillusioned that he wants to retire, he calls his protege into his office and shares his most closely-guarded secret: "I am not John Oliver," he says. "My name is Bruce; I inherited the podcast from the previous John Oliver, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real John Oliver either. His name was Geoffrey. The real John Oliver has been retired fifteen years and is living like a king in Patagonia." * John Oliver is the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony. * A Zaltzman-Oliver manifold is a manifold with SU(n) holonomy. Equivalently, it is a Cleese manifold with a vanishing first Milligan class. That is, a manifold is Zaltzman-Oliver if and only if it admits a Cleese metric, g , the Cook tensor of which is a total derivative. By analogy of SU(n) < U(n) with SO(n) < O(n) , one can think of a Zaltzman-Oliver manifold as a complex oriented Cleese manifold. * Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver were both members of short-lived indie band It’s A Boy! (playing drums and lead guitar respectively), along with singer Mark Johnson and bassist John Smith. Their debut single “I Like To Dance (With You)” was released on independent record label Young and Lost Club; however it failed to sell out its limited press of 500. The band decided to call it a day with a chaotic live show at Camden venue The Enterprise, during which Zaltzman set fire to his drum kit before throwing it into the sell-out crowd. The fate of Johnson and Smith is unknown. *John Oliver has a core temperature of 372°C (701.6 °F) * Andy Zaltzman has a hymen, though he refuses to admit it *John Oliver has not exploded in 9.7 minutes *John Oliver has cabin fever, see muppet treasure island * Andy Zaltzman eats a kumqwat before every bugle * John Oliver, is a leprechaun who regularly consumes HGH, and this has partially mutated him into a volcano * John Oliver is currently thinking about penguins * Zaltzman won the prestigious 2007 TICA cat of the year award under his one-time stage name Purrsession Frosty the Snowman. * According to The Bugle's 1916 Official Road Guide a trip from the Atlantic to the Pacific on the Lincoln Highway was "something of a sporting proposition" and might take 20 to 30 days. The guide offered this sage advice: "Don't wear new shoes." * The legendary Zaltzman-Oliver clan fued (1878-1891) was begun by Randolph "Ole Ran'l" Zaltzman and William Anderson "Devil Anse" Oliver along the Tug Fork River in Birmingham. The feud claimed more than a dozen members of the two families, becoming headline news around the country and compelling the governors of both Liverpool and West Virginia to call up their state militias to restore order after the disappearance of dozens of bounty hunters sent to calm the conflict. Peace was announced by playing a bugle across the valley. It is in honor of this peace-announcing bugle that the descendents of the original feud created The Bugle audio newspaper. * John Oliver is well adapted for digging, with short but powerful limbs and curved, thick claws. Unlike Zaltzman and other sciurids, Oliver's spine is curved, more like that of a mole, and the tail is comparably shorter as well – only about one-fourth of body length. * Andy Zaltzman is famed among comedians for having six fingers on his left hand. This condition, known as polydactylism, can be traced to his ancestor Sir Felix Zaltzman, father of Anne Boleyn. * The Bugle, who's title comes from Isaiah 21:8, is known worldwide as the major publication distributed by Jehovah's Witnesses in their door-to-door ministry. *John Oliver found the Triforce in The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time. *the very existence of the bugle is only the result of an elaborate wager between oliver & Zaltzman, where the last person left on gets not only the heart of the white hot symbol of love & passion that is Florence Nightingale, but also the last slice of pizza ever to be blessed by pope Jean Paul II (thats toppings are considered by most gastro-sociological analysts to be that of the modern hawiian style). neither item has been deemed safe for human consumption. *"John Oliver" is Sanksrit for "Audio Cryptic Crossword". * In March 2008 The Bugle became the first podcast to feature live open heart surgery * Andy Zaltzman is running for President in 2008, ignoring the fact that one has to be an American in order to do so. At the same time John Oliver is desperately trying to become Queen. * Cherie Blaire is really John Oliver in drag. Give it up John. It's not a good look and you're not fooling anyone that Cherie is a real woman. * Had John Oliver been alive, he would have assassinated Hitler at the 1936 Berlin Olympics with a poison tipped javelin, thus preventing the Holocaust and World War II. Needless to say, there's blood on your hands Mr. and Mrs. Oliver, for not birthing John in sufficient time. *Andy Zaltzman has been a regular scorer on Test Match Special since Bill Frindall's decision after the the Third Ashes Test Match in 2005 to join Columbian guerilla movement FARC. *Bill Gates, famous multibillionaire and mob boss, paid for and helped set up the Bugle wikipedia page. He has been friends with John Oliver ever since John rescued him from a sinking battleship (the USS Nightingale) near the Canary Isles on November 14, 1992. Mr. Gates tries to spend at least ten hours a week with John and considers him to be his quasi-british guardian angel. *Both John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are skilled poets, specialising in iambic pentameter. Zaltzman frequently switches to trochaic foot, while Oliver is known to throw meter out the window entirely, except when plagiarising early '90s rap artists. * Chuck Norris is scared of John Oliver. * Andy Zaltzman was recently named president of moldova on finding out Andy said " It is an honour to be named president of such a great nation and in honour of my election to office I will rename this country Rhodesia". Shocked and dismayed the moldovan people revolted and Andy was removed from power and the moldovan cricket team were executed. * The Bugle has been named as the 21st centuries awnser to the bible by Pope Benedict the sixteenth * John Oliver is the basis of the character snake in Metal Gear Solid after several sucessful missions in the former eastern bloc * Andy Zaltzman is rumoured to be the lovechild of Margaret Thatcher and John Rambo * John Oliver is rumoured to have been one of the backers of an imperialist coup in zaire * Andy Zaltzman is rumoured to have been crafted out of rock by a spiteful god which explains andy's poor bowling abilities * John Oliver is the basis for the character uncle monty in the cult comedy withnail and I after coming on to the writer * John Oliver is rumoured to have groped former education secretary Ruth Kelly * Andy Zaltzman is rumoured to be the real father of Jesus after Mary reportedly had a one night stand with Mr Zaltzman in a hot night in Nazareth * John Oliver is rumoured to be Morrisey dressed up as Groucho Marx * The Bugle is now banned in Ireland after making fun of the catholic church * Andrew Zaltzman is the 13th son of an impoverished farmer family in Jutland in western Denmark. He trained as a carpenter and started making wooden toys in 1992 to make a living after having lost his job due to depression. * The Bugle is an electric powered vacuum attachment made for cutting hair invented by London carpenter Andy Zaltzman in the late 1980s. The product is touted as being capable of performing "hundreds of precision layered haircuts". * As his home planet was exploding, Andy Zaltzman's father, a prominent scientist, loaded him into a wheelie bin and sent him off into space. Andy landed on Earth and was adopted by a young Jewish couple. As he grew up he discovered that Earths yellow sun gave him enhanced satirical powers and an unhealthy obsession with cricket. * Following successful acceptance into the Special Boat Service (SBS) in 1983, John Oliver (aka Brian "Soapdish" McFerris) saw lengthy action behind enemy lines in Northern Ireland during the troubles. While battling the IRA, John took the time to open several RNLI lifeboat stations. John's current mission is to infiltrate US borders by any means possible and gather intelligence of American operations. Currently under the cover of a British comedian, John is on the verge of calling an end to the mission after going on record as saying, "There is no intelligence to be found anywhere in America". This being his last mission in the SBS, John is now looking at a new life as a hermit. * Andy is actually an amazing stringless puppet. He has an unhealthy obsession with lying and does everything he can to discourage truth telling of any kind (hence the existence of this page). Until he gets over this pathological obsession with misinformation he will never become a real boy and risks one day waking up with donkey’s ears and a tail. He also for some reason constantly refers to the sport of cricket when faced with moral decisions. *Andy Zaltzman fancies himself an excellent source of protein. John Oliver has been overheard many time confirming that Zaltzman indeed contains far more than the daily recommended allowance of vitamins and minerals, particularly Vitamin D and Magnesium. *Every edition of The Bugle (excluding issues 6 and 21A) is exactly 11 minutes long, though it always shows up in iTunes as 12 minutes long. A major bone of contention that is often discussed in the audio segment "eleven or twelve?" *Due to a childhood injury, John Oliver is unable to turn left. *John Oliver is one of the hidden characters in the upcoming Mortal Kombat game. *Contrary to popular belief, Andy Zaltzman is not half zebra. He's more of a mule/goat mix. *Andy Zaltzman is an anagram of Baroque Quail. *John Oliver is an anagram of Cottage Pie. *The Bugle is an anagram of Billy Crystal. *While dying on stage at a gig, in an attempt to win over the audience, Andy bit the head off a bat. And spat it at a girl in the front row. * Andy Zaltzman is the only creature not to have a place in the Circle of Life. * John Oliver is set to play the Eleventh Incarnation of Doctor Who. * Andy Zaltzman wrote the song " I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor" and also did the drums. * The American is having an affair with a woman from Iraq, they know what they feels is wrong but they just dont care, what they have is too beautiful. * Hi, mom. * Contrary to popular belief, Andy Zaltzman is not the narrator of Fight Club. * John Oliver is every member of the Weather Girls, and "It's Raining Men" originally was entitled "It's Raining Nightingale", purely on a dare from Andy Zaltzman. * Andy Zaltzman once did sold-out a singing tour of the British Isles under the stage name of "John Barrowman". * Andy Zaltzman can only read text held at a 45 degree angle from his mother's knee. * John Oliver founded Luxembourg while on a bender with his pals from the Bedford Youth Theatre. * It is impossible to see both John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman through the same mirror at the same time. * John Oliver plays Louise Summers in hollyoaks and has also had a cameo in One Tree Hill. * Andy Zaltzman is credited with the idea of drinking water in 1937. Previously the human race had survived on milking pumas. * The Royal John Oliver Museum is on the third floor of the Empire State Building, next to the Starbucks. * The Bugle has an alcohol content of 8.7%. * John Oliver is the actual culprit behind the sinking of the USS Maine. Andy had cornered him the munitions store room with the printed copy of the Audio Cryptic Crossword and to escape this fate, John heroically destroyed the ship and both started the Spanish American War and saved the world from another clue. The lives lost in this conflict will not have been in vain so long as Andy does not resurrect the Audio Cryptic Crossword. * John Oliver consumes five human hearts and three solar flares each morning. When asked why, he remarked on the incredible amount of calories he burns each week recording the Bugle while swimming laps across the Pacific Ocean. * Bugling will be featured as a new Olympic sport in 2012. Unfortunately, Andy Zaltzman will be unable to attend because of a pressing engagement: the pope intends to take Andy hostage and fry his home planet of Tupper with a laser if he does not disclose the location of John Oliver. Interestingly enough, John expects to spend that same day deep under the surface of the Earth, playing chess-boxing at the secret base of the mole-people. * On August 31st, Sarah Palin admitted that the Bugle is her favourite aphrodisiac. She often listens to it while aerial hunting abortion doctors. She also admitted her plans to trade John Oliver with Andy Zaltzman once she is President. (You know what happens when US VPs hunt). * After criticizing Will Ferrell's Chelsea fc jersey, Chelsea fans all around the world have placed a price for his head, so it can be used as a the official Chelsea mascot, and whenever Chelsea wins a game, beer will be drank from his head, and when a goal is scored, his lifeless body will be hoisted as a banner of triumph. * Some say Andy Zaltzman once invented a time machine just for the purpose of going to see Florence Nightingale (if you know what i mean) * John Oliver recently hired Flavor Flav as his bodyguard. * Andy Zaltzman is Flavor Flav!!!!!!! * Former president Jimmy Carter has been trying to get an interview with John Oliver for two years now. Many times he has spotted Oliver in a crowd and chased after him, only to lose sight of him at the last moment. * Andy Zaltzman is actual the bastard son of an cheap Impala hooker and Hitler. The reason he hates Impalas is his mother left him for dead in Brooklyn. KM * Popular 1990’s VHS hit The Shawkshank Redemption is based on Andy Zaltzman’s time spent in Pentonville prison for the double homicide of his estranged wife Lauren Bacall and golf pro Gary Player. * Tennis champion Pat Cash once referred to John Oliver as his fifth favorite character in Chinese puppet theatre. * Episode 17 of the bugle can induce vomiting in up to 85% of all Hippos. * If While Listening to the Bugle u shout "BOOM!" Barack Obama has a mini orgasm. * Andy Zaltzman has published several books in which he puts forward a rival theory to mathematics, which he calls "Audiomatics". He has since awarded them several Andy Zaltzman Awards. * Every time you open a ring-pull can, John Oliver's hair grows an inch. * Andy Zaltzman taught Jimi Hendrix how to play guitar or as Andy calls is "peeyowking-a-ding-ying-ing" * Carly Simon's famous song "You're So Vain" is about John Oliver. * Sir Mixalot's famous song "Baby Got Back" is about Andy Zaltzman. * Andy Zaltzman has been linked with a big-money move to Manchester City FC as part of the club's Saudi revolution. * John Oliver sang 'It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time' as he shot down Ghandi in cold-blood. * The logo for the London 2012 Olympics is based on an artist's impression of Andy's aura. * Scientists have recently discovered a new amino-acid called Bugline. This particular amino-acid causes misfolding of proteins in the brain, and results in sufferers hallucinating that they listen to a hilarious podcast every monday, which features two entirely fictional british comedians. * John Oliver has a secret obsession with the letter 'P,' which began after a short layover in San Diego, Calif. * John Oliver can crush walnuts with his ass cheeks...just don't try his spiced nuts at the Christmas party.